Jo | Twenty-Eight | California
I am keeping a secret. I am sucking on it like a lozenge that just won’t get smaller. I am passing it back and forth between my teeth, like a ball on a field between the legs of a bored player. It is not a happy secret, like a diamond in a velvet box in a sweaty pocket. It’s a secret like a loaded gun sewn into the lining of my sweater’s hood, aimed directly for the back of my head. It is a cartoon piano suspended above me. It is a manhole threatening to spontaneously collapse beneath my feet. It is a cloud of noxious gas meticulously attached to only the molecules I misguidedly breathe. It is in my shadow, and it singes the concrete where I stand. It is the sad clink of an empty glass on New Year’s Eve. It is a nap in the passenger seat from which I will never wake up. I am keeping a secret. I am hoarding it. You will find it amongst yellowed mountains of books in a garage, when you find me. This is not a promise, it is a confession. I am keeping a secret.
I dropped my phone on my face reading this. Holy crap
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very curious seeing writing i did on here (when i was a teenager) having such a resurgence ten years later. makes me wonder how i will feel about my writing from now, when i am 10 years older. do you ever read something you wrote when you were younger and feel like it belongs to a stranger? i could shudder and shrink when i read it, and judge the work of a different version of me based on the standards to which i hold THIS version of me. but i think i will choose not to, and instead choose to commend my younger self for being brave enough to try. ultimately that journey is what got me here, no?
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gonna be a tough thing deciding which writing to post here and which to save for the records. lately i’ve been writing constantly from morning to night. not for any reason. just a compulsion. having conversations and my hands are simultaneously typing away in a world and ambience of their own. ambidextrous brain. master of none.
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Halsey performing Nightmare in Irvine, CA on July 9, 2022
Getting upgraded from shitty seats to pit on the last night of tour was FUCKING AMAZING
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